MonoChroMania

Returning The Smile That You Have Had Right From The Start

2007-01-28T01:51:00.000+08:00

To you my perceptive readers, I bequeath you my heart. My mind. My soul. My everything.

So just leave me at the sidewalks
As you go on with your life
Send me torn up postcards
To say that you're doing fine

Empty bottles of prozac
Lying scattered on the floor
I hope someday you'll hear this song
And maybe then you'd know

I just wanna wake up
(Wake up)
And find you next to me
Make up
(Make up)
I miss you terribly
Break up
(Break up)
Why is this happening?
Give up
(Give up)
I'm sick of pretending

I tried to call you up last night
But you said you weren't home
So i shared these conversations
With my mobile's dial tone

Take our pictures down
From the walls of my room
I hope someday you'll hear this song
And maybe then you'd know

I just wanna wake up
(Wake up)
And find you next to me
Make up
(Make up)
I miss you terribly
Break up
(Break up)
Why is this happening?
Give up
(Give up)
I'm sick of pretending

Wake up
(Wake up)
And find you next to me
Make up
(Make up)
I miss you terribly
Break up
(Break up)
Why is this happening?
Give up
(Give up)
I'm sick of pretending

That you never meant anything to me.

This will be my last post for this blog. I do not know what will happen from hereon. Thanks to all who took the time to read and tag on my board. Thanks.

You'll Always Be My Wishing Star

2007-01-27T01:39:00.000+08:00

Looking all around us,
People everywhere
Children having fun
While we are holding guns.

Have you ever wondered,
Why must we serve?
Cause we love our land,
And we want it to be free,
to be free.
Ya!

Every day without fail we're sure to sing this song as we march. And this has always been my favourite song to march to ever since I first heard it in the movie Army Daze. It really makes you believe in serving the nation for the greater good. Death before dishonour.

I guess I don't have much to say about my current stint in the Singapore Armed Forces except that Ulysses Warriors are the best in the SAF! And that I have a good seaside view from my window which happens to be right next to my bed. Give me a hooha soldier!

Unfortunately, I won't be able to jam with ArPee tomorrow. But thankfully though, I'll be meeting them for dinner or something. I'm also thankful that ArPee is picking up momentum and have been given more and more gig slots which is really good I must say! Even if I don't get the chance to play, at least when the time comes that I'd be able to play, we wouldn't have to go back to square one.

Oh yeah, I hope to meet a few friends before I go back to camp again cause I might just not come out for the next 2-3 weeks.

I shall end this post with one of the stuff that I wrote while I was enjoying my time there.

I close my eyes.
Pray tomorrow's a better day.
I close my eyes,
And wish these feelings all away.

This heart beats hard
Even if the day is lost
And should it fail
I know that things have run its course.

Leaving You For An Ass

2007-01-11T05:38:00.000+08:00

I don't have much time to blog before I have to leave the house for Aloha Tekong. I'll just have to keep it short and sweet.

I'm going to miss lotsa people. Some more so than others. By teeny weeny bits i assure you. Haha! Thanks for the luck and well wishes. Really appreciate it.

I love you ArPee. Me love ArPee long time deep deep. When I come back... Let's do some jamming and music making! yeay! Ah! I'm gonna miss you guys lah. Power man! Baik ah! Baik ah organizer! Smack that! Smack that! To the left, to the left! My life's nothing without you.

I look forward to meeting you in two weeks time. I know nothing's confirmed, but at least I have something to look forward to. Yeay! I can hear you singing to me in my sleep!

Don't feel so sad that I'm gonna be gone aight? It won't be long. Smile! This world needs more smiles! The whole world is counting on you right now, but they just don't know it yet k?

But.. you there! I know you're reading this. Don't forget to record my movie ok?! I'm expecting to hear you go on and on about Exhibits A and B when I come back.. But it'll be a long time coming and I'll be ready! Just don't forget to record my movie ok?

Thanks for everything.

Meet Me At My Rendezvous Point?

2007-01-09T11:38:00.001+08:00

Me love ArPee long time deep deep.

We Could Just Leave This All Behind

2007-01-07T14:31:00.000+08:00

I tear my lungs out
To show that I breathe for you
I tear my heart out
To show that it
Beats
Thru your darkest nights
I want you to know
I'll be here.

Is it just me or is it that everytime I say that I'm excited about the next day, something just crops up to cancel all plans. Disappointed. But can't say that I didn't expect it. It's ok. Things can only get better, or so they say.

Everytime I Look For You I End Up Dancing With Myself

2007-01-06T11:50:00.000+08:00

Electric lah. AAbsolutely loved the show yesterday. The amps were good. I mean for the guitar amps they provided were the ones used for BayBeats lah. As for the bass amp... No such luck... But still... It was... really great sounding. Man... Getting the hang of using my effects pedal. I'm currently using an Ibanez Bass Overdrive/Distortion. I guess, in time, I'll try out the other variants. Wanna get an EQ and Tuning Pedal. Woots! I finally nailed Running On Empty's bass solo. Finally! Haha!

Highlight of the night was really when we got up on stage and shared it with Ashik and Naseer from 3dash1. Totally awesome ar. Totally man. I mean Ashik, Eve, San San and I were like all over the place ar! We were jumping, jacking, head banging, swinging (our lovely instruments)... Everything! We played My Hero by Foo Fighters. Finally I got to cover them. Woots! It was fun! Blardy fun! We were all enthralled ar. First time really where I felt that the band's stage presence was like really overwhelming in a very very very very fun way ar. I mean, MOSH was good. Don't get me wrong. But for MOSH, Eve was getting the hang of moving about. But last night, she was MOVING about. We nearly hit each other like a gazillion times ar. Benita was like worried that we would actually. We were... violent.

Then after that, Annabelle Francis was like telling us that she'd like us to perform again and gave us her contact. Yeay! I'm all pumped up for that, though I have a feeling that I won't be available to play for that show. Sad. But still, as long as ArPee keeps it up, gigging and all, by the time I'll be available to play the shows... It'll be so sweet lah. Hopefully, if possible ar.. We can do tours next year. I really really really wanna start touring ar.

Oh yeah, yesterday's post show supper was hardcore! There was Juan, Benita, Jabez, The Band, Push, Gaurav and Giff... that made like 10 of us ar. We spent like 70 bucks on food alone at Al-Azhar. I got a ride there cause Giff drove. The rest of them took the bus. Haha! But of course, I helped to transport the instruments. Wah... Ladies and Gentlemen.. we just got ourselves a tour van. Haha!

So right now, penning lyrics and working on new material for the band. It's all good. We trying out different formulas now. Cause we wanna find a sound that's distinctively US, and yet not commit ourselves to a a particular sub-genre. I mean... we even got inspired by a riff that we were playing for our soundcheck. Haha! That's about it from me. I look forward to tomorrow.

This heart beats for tomorrow.

Let's Rewrite The Last Scene For Posterity's Sake

2007-01-03T21:19:00.000+08:00

Went shopping for a new gig bag for Tobias. Tempted to buy him the hardcase... But the thought of me lugging that around... well it kinda turned me off. Not now i suppose. Haha! But it's all good! Bought myself new picks. Trying to strum Tobias with a pick instead of using my fingers to play him. If I can nail the strumming part down then that ought to be cool, adds some variety to my playing style and therefore more dimension to our future songs.

Talking about songs... I managed to write a couple. Confirmed working on at least 2 of em. They are... very... catchy. Haha! That's the least I can say right now. Well at least I think they are catchy. We are planning to do a live recording soon. Perhaps next Monday. That ought to be fun! Yay to that!

Oh yeah... this Friday we're performing yet again! The details are as follows:

7.30 pm Emcee intro event and warm up audience
7.35 pm – 7.50 pm The Nerves
7.50 pm – 7.55 pm Q & A Session
7.55 pm – 8.10 pm Black Forest
8.10 pm – 8.25 pm Audio Breakout
8.25pm – 8.40pm Arpee
8.40 pm – 8.55pm 3-Dash-1
8.55pm – 9.00pm 3-Dash-1 Collaborate with Arpee

It's at Far East Plaza. Yeap.. Never played there before. Neither have we ever done a collab. Let alone with 3dash1. But.. it ought to be fun! And I shall end this post with a line off one of the new songs.

I wish I could connect these dots
Then we'd be together
And not have to depend so much
on the Force.

New Beginnings

2007-01-01T07:53:00.000+08:00

Just got home from an adventure with ArPee! Yeay! Spent the new year with them! It was really exciting to say the least. Started off with me meeting Ihsan to debate between ourselves the right bus we should take to the venue where Yuhan and Evelyn were gonna perform at. Evelyn was standing in for Faizal on bass for Scream Front. Yuhan of course plays for Scream Front and... Cesspit! So yeap... just like the 30th, he was busy busy busy. Cause he had to prep for Cesspit and Scream Front. Cause Cesspit was also playing at the same show. The show itself was exciting. Ok... just in case you guys think this venue is somewhere in town, it isn't. It's at Bukit Batok CC lah. So classy right? Haha! So while half of the nation was in the town area doing the countdown, we were with the heartlanders in Bukit Batok doing the countdown!

After that we decided to go to Alif's at Bt Gombak. Inexplicably... they were closed! So... we trekked all the way to Al-Azhar at Bt Timah, eating Ben & Jerry's while we were at it. When we finally got there it was packed lah. So we decided to enjoy the air con over at MacD's and like come back later. And when we did... Lo and behold! Ah! I was so shocked! I was like... Ah! Ah! Ah! I shy to say whom I met but suffice to say it was a pleasantly great surprise! Man... Best New Year's Day ever lah! Eve, Ihsan and Yuhan were like wondering how come I suddenly went gaga lah. Haha!

Then like all of us began to like continue talking about the band and music and all... Man.. I never felt so comfortable and great with ArPee before seriously. Like with Louis there was tension and all. But with Yuhan ar.. It was all good ar. I mean seriously man.. All good. It's like as it is, we both listen to like almost the same kinda stuff like Better Than Ezra and Everclear. Cool man. Totally. So yeah we were talking and all. We all realized that MOSH was really really great ar. I mean... to have the crowd screaming in delight when you introduce an original to them is like totally amazing. I mean to think that they all still remembered that song. Chinatown Circles! Woots! I can still remember lah... "The next song is... Chinatown Circles!" and the crowd went... "Ahh!! Yeay!! Whee!!" so hardcore lah!

After all the band and music talk we decided to walk all the way to Hillview and then take a bus home from there. Then me and Ihsan alighted at our stop and walked the way home talking bout personal and musical stuff. Just great. Man... totally awesome!

This year has started really really well for me... I hope it will continue to be so for the rest of this year and so on and so forth. InsyaAllah.

I Wish You Were There

2006-12-31T18:27:00.000+08:00

The show yesterday was... AWESOME! There was moshing... body surfing... everything lah! It was fun fun fun! Eric gave me a mutton chop to my tum tum! Sent me sprawling to the floor it did. But it was all in good fun! Yeah! Then Ihsan stripped to his boxers! Woots! Hardcore!

As for like our set, it was... AWESOME lah! The crowd was great! Best crowd we have had the pleasure playing to yet. Considerin that it has been 16 months since we had a full blown gig like this, it was great to know that the peeps still remembered us. But it was damn tiring. I mean, we can jam for 2 hours, going thru our routines and still jams can never ever be more tiring than the actual show itself. Especially if the crowd is like really really electric! Hardcore lah! If anything... the end result of this gig itself is worth skipping prom altogether! Woots! Really looking forward to our next gig which is.. on the 5th Jan. We're sharing the stage with 3dash1, of The Straits Times' School Of Rock fame. So that ought to be something. Fun fun fun! But i'm nervous about it. Cause we're doing a two song colab with them... and I'm nervous! Ah! I shall overcome!

Every single song is a hidden message. But again it goes unnoticed.

Creating Something Out Of Nothing, Only To Destroy It

2006-12-25T16:49:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I dreamt that you were still alive and running around the house. I dreamt that you were laughing and smiling and shouting and crying and giggling and calling out my name and calling me out to play. I dreamt the most beautiful dream and woke up to find the grim reality still existing. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I woke up trying to find you. I woke up alone in the house. I shouldn't have even bothered waking up. I miss you. We all do. But I know that you're in a place that's so much better from this less than perfect design. Now you don't climb window grilles and cabinets anymore. Now you climb the clouds and the stars. You're free now. Just as you always wanted to be. Free.

I beg you God, tonight, please bring me peace. I want to sleep forevermore with dreams of him still alive with me. I beg you God. I'm tired. I still don't understand why he has been taken away. I'm tired. And I just wanna go home.

I'll remember you forever cause I could never forget just how much you meant to me. It's been awhile now but yet my heart still bleeds. I long for the day when we can be together, as one. As it was. As it should have been.

The Whole World Is Counting On Me But They Don't Know It Yet.

2006-12-18T21:49:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow would make it 2 weeks since your passing and I guess, we're still not over it. We all miss you so much. We trade stories about the laughs that you gave us and also your naughty habits. These days, your half siblings come over to the house. And I sometimes mistake Iman (pronounced as Aiman) as you. I was in the bathroom bathing when I heard cries of Ah-E! Ah-E! And I thought it was you. But it was only Iman. He's abit like you I must say. But of course, nothing compares to you. I miss you.

Via 7 is finally over. Well not exactly. I'm kinda upset right now. Due to NS obligations, my piece will not be picked for Mentah. Alfian has kindly invited me to write a script for Pondok 2000. But... It feels weird lah. That platform is like for the seasoned pros lah... Like Najib and Fendy and the likes lah. I don't know. Interested no doubt. Shall think about it thru and thru. The theme though is kinda complicated. Hmm... God speed. I've already got a piece in mind already. It will probably discuss issues of identity, cultural imperialism and the likes lah. Will probably need to do lots more research this time round. Leesurge! Leesurge ah!

Tonight is the premiere of Festival Pintu! Yeay to that! It has been fun being part of the production. Interacting with the cast and crew really made me learn alot of new things. Like how tech run can be so draggy and tiring. How it's best to avoid using digital media in your plays. How method directing can be so fun to do cause you really push your actors to the limits. How it's best to not drink teh tarik/halia when you're eating mee goreng. Alot lah! Hopefully this Sat, I will have the money to buy a ticket to watch it. Yeay! Supposedly, I'm supposed to get a complimentary ticket. BUT. Should not be a freeloader. Really man... For all the work that they've put in, I should have the decency to buy instead of freeloading. Hmm...

This Saturday also, I'm finally getting Tobias upgraded! Yeah! Tobias... Meet Seymour... Seymour... Meet Ernie... Yessa! Tomorrow is the acoustic showcase. Have to meet Ihsan for practice later. Next week is MOSH. Then the week after... Eve just smsed to say that Ashik from 3dash1 just offered us a slot for 5th Jan. So that's sweet!

So won't you tell me the time,
I wanna see when it's my turn to go
and I will forget everything
all the hurt I've inflicted on you
if it's karma I now know
how much I made you suffer
and I'm in no place to say that I'm sorry

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

2006-12-10T16:54:00.000+08:00

I don't know why God had decided to take you away from us at so early and young an age. But people say and I've come to believe that there's always a hikmah behind everything that happens. 2 years is a very short time and I feel as if I've been robbed of a lifetime to spend with you. Every one of us had plans for you. But I guess, God's plan is so much better.

Often, I find myself clinging onto your favourite songkok and pants and walking round the house calling out your name. This house is so quiet without you. And we used to think it was too noisy when you were around. But right now, the silence is so deafening and it makes all of us cry. Closing the door to my bedroom feels so pointless especially when I know that you are not around to open it to let yourself in. But I still do that time to time, hoping that you do just that.

I sit outside the house and wait for you to come running down the stairs, racing your sister to the house door. I don't feel like eating at home knowing that you're not around to empet-empet and take food off my plate. I miss you stealing drinks from my cans of soft drink and then blaming it on Kakak or Mom. I miss hearing the fridge door open and close cause you always loved to check the fridge for anything that you can mess the house with. I miss you climbing every window grille, every table, every cabinet and in short everything as if you were Spiderman! I miss you going round the house and suddenly doing silat for all of us to laugh at. I miss you going round the house and suddenly breaking into a jig for all of us to laugh at. You like listening to music cause everytime you do you'd jump around and laugh and cheer! 'Technologic' made you giggle and laugh. Tet and Kakak just thought you how to headbang didn't they? I miss you Iman. We all miss you. Yah, Ma, Babang, Tet, Ayie and Kak misses you so much.

Words just can't put to shape and form the feelings we feel right now and how badly we miss you. You were very naughty and cheeky! Always making us angry at you for something that you did and then you'd come around and pujuk us and when we are all calmed down, you'd do it all over again! So cheeky! Always wanted to be like your abang abang right? Must wear jeans when going out. Ma can never say that you look like Yah cause then you'd take off all the clothes and not want to wear it again. You always said you sayang Yah and you were anak Yah but you always slept with Ma. Ma misses you alot Man. Next year, Ayie will be serving his NS. Babang would have finished his BPT but then he would have to go out often for his NS. Tet and Kak has school and Yah has work. Ma would be alone at home for periods of time. Please keep her company k Man? She misses you so much. She loves you. We all love you Man. But God loves you so much more.

Right now, this heart feels so heavy just writing this cause I have to recall so many fond memories of him and it just makes me cry to do so. I'll write more as time gets by. Right now, I would like to thank some people for being there for me to help me see through these days of darkness and giving me all your support. You guys, are definitely kawan ketawa and kawan nangis and I pray that I can be the same for you.

Thanks Azman for being physically there throughout the ordeal since the outset. Me love you long time. Veterans stick together right? You've been my pillar of strength.
Thanks Azra and Budi for rushing over to my place and then with Haris in tow to the hospital to give me support and love.
Thanks Amira for offering me a listening ear should I ever need one. I appreciate it.
Thanks Dini for being a beacon of light and hope in this blinding darkness. I take all your words and advice to heart and it does help in giving me peace and solace. Thanks to your mom too for her kind and gentle words.
Thanks Faz for being such a good friend and hearing me out and being so concerned for me. I'm sorry I haven't had the time to tease you right now, but this will take some time. Thanks.
Thanks Qamarul, Farid, Syafiq, Nasrul, and Halim for coming back down and meeting me to give me support and concern even though you guys missed me earlier on in the day. You guys are hardcore you know that?
Thanks Rohanna for your kind words. I appreciate it.
Thanks to all of you who kept Iman, my family and myself in your prayers throughout this ordeal, I thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart, I pray that someday I'll be able to repay you for all the kindness and concern that you have poured onto us. InsyaAllah I will.

To Khairul Iman my beloved brother, moga Allah mencucuri rahmat kepada Iman. InsyaAllah kita sekeluarga akan berjumpa lagi. Amin.

I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness

2006-12-06T11:19:00.000+08:00

Say something...

Trouble's brewing in Eka. It's blardy frustrating. I have my own issues that I have yet to settle and yet once again I find myself in the middle of a raging warzone trying to navigate and make sense of the mess that's currently happening. It's blardy frustrating. Everybody should just meet up, sit down and talk things thru over a cup of teh halia, teh tarik, teh C, teh katai, teh O. teh cino and every other teh that one can possibly have. Man... Complications.

On other fronts...

Some stuff taken off ArPee's blog...
#1 - We are playing soon. Like December-soon. Details coming up in a week!
#2 - The password to our e-mail account is *********
#3 - Ari is enlisting in January 2007. Start penning down ye love letters.
#4 - San San's real name is Ihsan Biggus Dickus Lachica.
#5 - BukitPanjangGovernmentHighSchool, our alma mater, is moving back to Teck Whye.

I probably have to go back to BP next year before I enlist cause I lost my phone and haven't had the opportunity to meet up and tell Mdm Yati that I'm going in. Might be my last chance to see Mdm 'Jambu' Yati. Haha! I hope I won't break down just like I did the last time I met her. Yeay! Of course, gonna have to see my God-Ma, Mrs Chiang. And no, this isn't like what you are currently seeing in the papers. She's a really really nice woman ok? The Home Economics kitchen was really a home away from home lah. Anytime I wanted, I could just walk in and they'll probably cook for me and stuff. Yeay! Maybe I shall get them gifts!

Yesterday Evelyn just confirmed the Acoustic Showcase. Wah! Panic! Luckily I don't have to actually use an acoustic bass nor guitar this time round so I can use Tobias! Must... get... pick-ups... So it's the showcase on the 22nd and the gig on the 30th. Hardcore lah! 29th is prom is it not? I have yet to buy the berms or shirt that I'm supposed to wear. Maybe I shall go for the Post-Prom party and check it out. Cong Han says I'll get a free drink. But... I don't drink. So I'm trying to convince him to like give me a free flow of Sprite! Haha! And considering that I don't actually listen nor have an affinity for the stuff that's probably gonna be blaring over the sound system.. I'll probably need to buy some noise-cancelling headphones and make sure my MP3 player is all juiced up.

Tempted to go for Zoukout... Zoukout... Cause Plainsunset is playing lah! Shall ask Azra whether she thinks she's going or not. I also wanna go KL. Must ask Azra that too. Whether she would wanna go KL with me for a day trip. Mom says she'll sponsor... Hardcore lah! It's not exactly backpacking but.. it's terrific nonetheless! Let's hope things work out this time round. Cause if not, these holidays are getting so so so overrated. Gah!

Yesterday I dreamt of Kurt again. Hello Kurt! But that's that. I don't remember the exchanges. I dreamt of being in school. I dreamt of chasing people round school with a pick ax. I dreamt of lots of things that didn't make sense at all. Hidup itu mati, mati itu hidup.

I think today I'll probably have to meet San San and do stuff. Chronic! Chronic! Make me manic! Someone please bless me with St Mary. Mary Jane! Where are you?! Mary Jane!

So anyways, I've been dutifully carrying out my duties as the Video Guy and sourcing out for the videos. Well... hard to swallow ar some of the things that I've watched. Lotsa people think badly of Hamas. They think Hamas is an evil terrorist organization. But I tell you, Hamas is really more than that. Sure... Certain factions within Hamas are revolutionary and violent and stuff but it doesn't mean that Hamas is on the whole an evil terrorist organization. Not many would know that the reason Hamas is widely embraced by the people is because they are also involved in community work and the likes. Hamas funds hospitals, kindergartens and the likes. I don't know. I emphatise with them. But I feel that in this day and age of ignorance, my empathy would be taken as support for extremist causes. Why is it okay for some people to be Machiavellian while it is wrong for others to be so? The piano keys may be black and white but when played together, they paint a picture of beautiful worlds and feelings and thoughts, so why can't we? Why can't we be like the piano keys?

Someday, I'll scratch your name out on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower.. and I'll pray that someday when you do come and visit that you'll be able to see it and then maybe you'll know how I'm feeling right now.

Mom is cooking soup kambing. Soup kambing! Soup kambing! Batu belah, batu bertangkup! Telan lah aku, makan lah aku! Aku kempunan dah nak mampos! Telan lah aku, makan lah aku!

I never managed to find myself because as much as I most wanted it, it never desired to be found by me. This is the way of the world and I have to accept it. What we desire to touch have no desire to be touched by us. But Death has longed for me since the day I was born. And now all it asks for is that I have the same longing for it. Oh sorrow! Sorrow that be no morrow!

Finally, we're alone. There's no need to whisper.

Sunset Avenue

2006-12-04T21:55:00.000+08:00

I have yet to find the time to blog about last Saturday's reading... Well yeah it has been a tumultous few days I must say. I spent the whole of Sunday in like a coma like state cause like I was so drained lah. Like emotionally and physically and spiritually and stuff like that. Like man...

So yeah Via 7 for me is partly over cause though the reading for my script has been done I still have to help the other group present their pieces and so yeap... 2 more weeks of labour! At least it will occupy me, though to a lesser extent cause I'm not directly involved. Nobody from group 2 wants me to act.. I'm like so not in demand. Haha! Doesn't matter.

Yeay! I got my first paying assignment from Ekamatra! I'm supposed to like gather video clips of various acts of terrorism and oppression and the likes and like create a montage for the upcoming production Festival Pintu. I shall now proclaim myself as the Video Guy. Yeah.... It's cool lah! Deadline is 14/12. Show is on 21/12. Still have to watch Tekong Highway the next day! So yeah! I can now proudly tell my mother that I'm actually getting paid to do this stuff. Haha! That settles my jamming bills and the likes.

Just submitted my application form for the Edusave Merit Bursary thing. Supposedly.. I'm in the top 25% of the cohort.. Which is kinda screwed!! How can it be man?! Like is this the tangent universe or something?

So anyways about the reading... Yeah so it happened! It was great! I was actually relaxed and all. So unlike my previous productions which was kinda stressful and stuff lah.. But yeah... everything worked out fine! So yeah! The Marketing Director of Substation said that he liked my piece and like the song, "Borrowed Time"! So yeah! Hardcore! In fact, after the piece lotsa people were asking about "Borrowed Time" and how they could get their hands on the song and stuff. I mean... it was overwhelming lah. So hardcore! So now I guess yeah... Evelyn say we will record sometime next year but I've a feeling that things might just not work out yet again. We always like get too busy to get anything done. But hey! I'm so gonna get paid for NS so like if things work out I probably have to fork out the money for the recording thing. Yeah! That is so hardcore... Don't you think so?

Hopefully I'll be able to meet Azra and Cheryl this week to hang out and stuff. So yeah.. Hu hu hu ha ha ha!

That's about it. Have to like vacate the premises soon. Gah!

Not everyone in this world is so fucked up and cold you know?
I will break your fall.

The Greatest Clown Of All Time

2006-12-03T16:37:00.000+08:00

Resolutions made in futile to face the day.

The clock has struck and I’m left in the wake to pick up the bits and pieces from the night before. This heart is scarred and sometimes I feel as if I can’t trust myself at all. I’m falling faster and hemorrhaging more than I ever have before.

Your last words will sustain me.

By All Methods Of Measure, Today Has Been Such A Disaster

2006-12-02T18:45:00.000+08:00

I stay up nights until the stars set down from the sky, making believe that this is only right as my dreams take flight away from me but these sleepless nights are not what they are supposed to be. Yet you are taking your time to get back to me and I’m guessing that this will take forever.

These Sleepless Nights Don't Feel Right

2006-12-01T10:01:00.000+08:00

Do you know how much time it took to
Build the nerve to finally tell you?
Only to find out
That you had to go away
There was something I held onto
You're gone so what can I do?
Just to see your face
Would make it all okay
You left me to wonder
Is there something I forgot to say?
Now I am left here to suffer
Do you feel the same way?
And now I find out
That I can't make it here on my own
Tell me when did I
Lose control?
What have I done?
You can find I'll be gone for awhile
Every day thoughts of you would come by
And every second just seems to fly by
Lost in the thought
Of you and I eternally
Crushed again I start to pray that
Someday you will realize
What you mean to me.

Let's Go Crazy, Shall We?

2006-11-30T21:43:00.000+08:00

Ah!! Ekamatra publicized the event on radio lah! So... Frustrating! I had like my mom's friends calling our house asking why my name was mentioned and why I used Muhammad Zahari instead of my long of a long full name and lots of other inane stuff!! Ah!! Now my mom's all excited about it. Ah!! Now it makes me feel like I shouldn't go this Saturday lah! So paiseh! Old MacDonald had a farm! Aiyah Aiyah Yo! Grr...

On other fronts... finally got to jam with ArPee! Fantastico! Yuhan is awesome! His wealth of experience is really an added advantage for us! Looking forward to the gig next month! Yeay! We've confirmed our setlist. 6 songs. 4 originals and 2 covers. But covering the covers is no easy feat lah.. Especially for Moneen cause they have this odd time signature which is evident throughout their other songs and it's really frustrating on my part. Can't nail it as of yet. But with ample prac I should be able to do it! Yes? Yes! As it is, I feel that there's gonna be lots of revamps with the originals lah! And that makes it all the more exciting too! Considering changing to using the pick instead of my fingers to play Tobias (for the uninitiated, Tobias is my bass) cause my fingers tend to blister when I don't! Getting new pickups and strings! (Please let this happen! Please! Don't worry Tobias! I'll have you hardcore-dified!)

Alot has happened since my last blog.. And I must say that...

I've learnt to see
Clearly that I've
Got no reason to fall
Or feel so small
Anymore.

Honto arigato!

I Watch The Sky For It Burns Bright Of Your Presence

2006-11-28T10:41:00.000+08:00

I needed to find a way to stop you from falling into my mind.

I ran for an hour. It was only drizzling when I started but gradually it began to pour. And I ran and ran and ran till my heart felt like giving out. Till I couldn't catch my own breath. Till I couldn't see a single thing ahead of me. Till I felt so small. I am finding out that maybe I was wrong. I've fallen down and I can't do this alone. Please heart. Please stop beating. So that this won't hurt anymore than it should.

When I reached home I felt so empty. So drained. So tired. So alone. So small. It's amazing how the rain always seems to be able to drain me dry.

After a while, I just couldn't bear the unbearable weight and feeling of being so empty. And I left my house to walk round the neighbourhood. The rain had petered out to a drizzle. I just walked wherever my heart led me to. To my sanctuary. The skies had cleared up abit. And I sat there looking out for the stars. There was little that I could see. Not even a single earthgrazer. It felt good to be back there once again. Hidden in the woods away from the bright lights. And I called out to you to no avail. And then I broke down and cried.

But the Lord works in mysterious ways. When I finally got up and prepared to walk my way out, the fireflies and fireworms were out. It was so beautiful. This heart will keep on beating for tomorrow, though all hope is lost for the day.

The things you make me wanna do,
I'd break into the zoo and set all the animals free.

We Don't Need To Whisper

2006-11-26T13:02:00.000+08:00

Spent the night staring out the window and waiting for something that never came. Then convinced myself to sleep. Took me long enough..

Sleep.
To sleep is to forget.
To sleep is to forget all pain.
To sleep is to forget all suffering.
To sleep is to forget all angst.
To sleep is to forget all sins
To sleep is to forget all time.
To sleep is to forget all hope.
To sleep is to forget.
Sleep.

My dear sister of a sister, Merilyn, is going to be back from England this december for her Christmas break. That's kinda exciting. We're supposed to like do lunch or dinner or something. Been a long time coming! Though... Janice isn't coming back these holidays. So yeah... Maybe next time. Then we can have a reunion of sorts. Merilyn sent me photos of the stuff she's been up to in England and like she's actually taller than some of the English girls! In fact she's as tall as most of them! Which isn't much of a surprise cause she's a model and all. But haha! I'm just overawed.

And the conversation dies.

Rapid Hope Loss

2006-11-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

Company preview was long... Like really long. Like blardy long. Like I was there from 12 all the way to 9? How long is that? Got lotsa feedback which kinda made stuff confusing for me. Cause I felt that all these feedback meant that I needed to rework the script, but then my cast felt that what needed to be changed was more of the directing than anything else. So yeah.. we'll be trying that out. Only a week left to show time. I'm stressed. Tired. Blue.

Then during lunch/dinner (You honestly lose track of all time when you're in the black box. Like for real lah.) I went into the office to chat with Effendy, Anuar, Big and Alfian. Which was kinda weird and all. haha! So they were like trying to ascertain my sexuality by asking me what kinda music I listen to. Somehow, listening to Ani Difranco made me gay. haha!! What the hell? Weird stuff but I somehow felt at home. I guess that's the magic of theatre per se?

But it's tiring. Theatre is not all laughs I suppose. Lots of hard work too.

Emptiness begins to creep back into me.

I'm too tired to think right now. I only know that I'm tired and I'm down and I'm sad and I've got a whole life ahead of me. =)

Too blind to see tomorrow,
Too proud to beg or borrow.

Why Does Hellos Feel Like Goodbyes?

2006-11-25T03:28:00.001+08:00

It's 3++ in the morning here in BP, Singapore. I just finished cleaning up my room out of sheer grief over one thing or another and boredom. Though now I'm in deep poo poo cause Company Preview is only in a few hours and I'm still not yet done with my script for Via. Damnit. Nevermind. Cleaning my room out was well worth it.

Just realized that though I was supposed to have at least 2 rehearsals with my crew before today's Company Preview, I totally missed both of em thru unavoidable circumstances. Beginning to realize the importance of a solid Stage Manager cause I keep forgetting to update my cast with the changes and such. Damnit.

Just now had a dinner celebration of sorts cause like my brother's birthday was like 3 days ago but cause he is currently serving his NS we could only celebrate it today. As usual no gifts were necessary. After dinner, I remembered to buy the clothes required by Ekamatra of all its members. Supposedly, everybody's supposed to come to meetings and what not in black. As in just the top. But.... somehow... the only person that I think has been abiding that rule is Fendy. Cause.. the rest always come in a flurry of every other colour except for black. Though I do try my best to like stick with the rules and use black as often as I can, there is only so much black that I have in my Magic Wardrobe.

Had a chat with my younger brother about the subversive nature of Barney. Cause he's really like the paedophile that hangs around in school with the kids whose parents are coming over late to pick em up. Really.. He is.. Those hugs... Gah!! Anyways, lots of people think that my younger brother is cute. Lots of people think that my elder brother is good looking. (Well, it's kinda subjective really.) Everybody thinks I'm just weird. Haha!

I'll fall asleep tonight, cause that brings me closer to you.
Take this broken heart and make it right.

Thank You Stars

2006-11-23T18:57:00.000+08:00

So today was soccer. We lost 3 goals to 2. But at least i managed to score 1 and i'm really happy about that. Considering that it was the first goal of the match, I'm all gong xi fa cai happy. But then during the game both my calves got cramps ar. Blardy hell. Now... I can't move around without looking like some cripple. And the bus drivers don't care. Oh well!

Every Shining Time You Arrive

2006-11-22T08:19:00.000+08:00

I think I'm taking after my father in more ways than one. Yesterday, without reason nor rhyme, I decided to quit trying to sleep and like went to clean the whole living room. The whole gamut. And I guess, that's like so my father lah. Cause my father always does the housework when he's feeling bored or like can't sleep. Either that or he would go into the kitchen and start experimenting with food. He would cook steak and stuff like that and like make my mother pissed off cause the stuff she bought like say for beef rendang or whatever, he would like use it to cook his crazy freestyle dishes.

I'm just glad that though I like to experiment in my cooking... I actually have my mom's hand at cooking. I guess, no matter how hard we try, in one way or another, we will take after our parents. Maybe some for the better, while some for the worse. But I guess, that's really up to the individual to make the best out of it.

I'm so tired. But i've got a script to finish. Company preview looms large. And... well... I just hate it. All the bigwigs will be there lah. And like.. I'll feel so small. Like always. Dieded. Gig. Show. Gig. Show. Gig. Show. Gig. Show. Gig. Show. Skate skate skate!

You so artsy, you make me feel so fartsy! Foxy Foxy!

Gay Messiah

2006-11-21T21:34:00.000+08:00

Today has been a good day to say the least. Went to San San's place. Went through some songs. And then spent some good time talking about a myriad of things. From interpersonal relationships to homosexualism to friendship to band matters to theatre to religion to lotsa other shit like NS like the girl that his other bandmates all dated at one point of time or another. In short, we bitched and bitched and philosophised and bitched and stuff like that.

Like I said, today has been a good day to say the least.

It's Dumb To Ask, Cool To Ignore

2006-11-21T12:31:00.000+08:00

The A Levels are going to be over soon. Thursday is the last paper. After that...... SOCCER!! Yeah! Looking forward to that.

Company preview for Via is coming up this coming Saturday. Gonna be a blardy long day lah. Down from 1pm all the way to 9pm. I'm supposed to make amendments to my script. Technically they want the 'death' part to be more impactful. But I don't see a reason why to. So shall have to work that out. Actually it's not that I don't want to work on it but I'm very lazy to do so right now... gah... No motivation.

Managed to come up with a new melody/tune/riff kinda thing. And San San said, "Ok. You have mastered the technique!" Hardcore! Meeting up with him later to go thru some of the new materials we have. Maybe even hit the playstation. Next week ArPee is back jamming. I think we have 2 gigs lined up. One is an acoustic one whereas one is a full blown rock show! I wish we had more! Cause before I get into boot camp I wanna rock around the clock! Rawr!

Technically, I'm planning for my backpacking trip. But I've also gotten to the point where I feel maybe not now. Maybe after NS? I don't know. Everybody has plans. Oh well.

Abandoned Stars

2006-10-29T12:38:00.000+08:00

Say a prayer for me, cause I can barely breathe. I’m suffering, and I can’t take it.

Breathe. Take a step back, breathe and jump. It'll be over soon. Breathe.

No one will ever see, this side of me, if I don’t make it.

Running On Empty

2006-10-24T02:01:00.000+08:00

Haha! This is hardcore! Found a way to upload my band's demos and live recordings as music for my blog radio! hardcore! So anyhows, I've uploaded our demo for Running On Empty! It's a demo but i beg you to press play and leave yer comments! Anyways, pardon the singin. Lousy mic and long day.

Fiona, Quit Lollygagging~!

2006-10-23T13:56:00.000+08:00

My mom asked me a big question.

"Kau nak kahwin E?"

My family calls me E most of the times.

"Susah."

"Kenapa pula susah? Kau cari perempuan yang kau suka abeh tu pinang abeh tu kahwin lah."

"Susah."

"Alah sebelum tu kau save lah duit kahwin kau tu dulu. Jangan nak susah kan mak engkau ni. Ah, tak susah kan?"

"Tapi kat Singapore haram."

"Ya Allah budak ini. Macam mana pula kahwin haram ni?"

"Kahwin ngan lelaki."

"Oh..."

And so the conversation ended with that. Haha!

ArPee's back with a gig this coming friday. It's an acoustic one though but it couldn't come at a better time. We're playing with West Grand Boulevard, A Vacant Affair and Caracal. It's at Earshot which is at The Arts House and show starts at 7pm. I hope it will a rocking good time! Ha! Along with that, we got an offer for a slot at MOSH.07 so that's as exciting as hell! I hope the gigs just keep on coming! Happycore!

Listening To Freddy Mercury

2006-10-16T07:24:00.000+08:00

Just now.. I felt really down. Like fucked up kinda down. Like totally down. Then I got that Full Monty moment. So I closed the door. Locked it. And turned on some Queen to get that Freddy Mercury in me all roused up and ready to go! So as the speakers blared "Dont' Stop Me Now!", I did the Full Monty. A private performance for myself. And I felt so much better after that. It's like... so relaxing! Everybody should just try it at least once in their life time. At least once. So just for that... I have the song "Don't Stop Me Now" all loaded on my blog's music player! So now everybody can just boogey and do the monty!

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out Yeah!
I'm floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time

The Truth That No One Ever Needed To Know

2006-10-09T00:24:00.000+08:00

i think I'm dead meat. They heard my idea for the Canon Digital Fest and thought it'd be cool to watch it produced for theatre. So yeah, I'm dead meat.

Sometimes, it gets so hard to breathe.

Half Empty, Half Full. I Never Got A Glass.

2006-10-05T00:58:00.000+08:00

You wanted to know if
If it was worth the pain that it has caused us.
Both our lives - subtract one life
To know why it was you deserved this

A's are in a month's time. Trying hard to consolidate my thoughts for all my subjects. Come on Jon. Come on Ari. Come on guys. We can do this. Come on.

All the suspense
That we’ve created
Now it’s wasted
And we can’t change it
The beginning to the ending
I find myself forgetting.

This Life Has Not Begun

2006-09-29T23:31:00.000+08:00

I think on my Enlistment Day, I will do something unprecedented in my family. I will give my parents a hug each before I get myself in boot camp. Such an act has never been done before in my family. And I wonder why. I still remember when I had to go overseas for track competitions. Everybody was hugging their parents and all. One of them eventually asked me why I didn't do the same. I told them it was because I was after all, going to see them again. And then they started to go on about how life is full of uncertainties and I should cherish whomever I have before such uncertainties come to fruition.

"But death. Death is a certainty. If I don't see them here in life, I will see them again in death."

But now, I've come to realize that if anything, after this life, people will still be more concerned with getting into Heaven above all, and I don't think they will have any time for such trivialities as hugs. So yeah, I might as well do it now.

The Rhetoric of Existence and The Mortification of Death

2006-09-29T01:42:00.000+08:00

Lies are truths until they are discerned as lies. Though it might be good to find the truth, it does not guarantee happiness.

Got a new idea for a play as I was browsing some bookshop in IMM for a sketch/note book for the Playwright Mentorship thingy. Turns out this Saturday they are gonna have our pictures taken. Well, I may not be poster boy material but I definitely don't have cellulite like Fiona Xie! Damnit! I know Maggi and Me is a low budget tv series. But surely they could afford some editing to be done to avoid discerning viewers from noticing the cellulite on her legs!! What the?!

Oh yeah, so anyways I got a new idea, which brings to mind the need to exorcise the other ideas. Damnit!

Jon Jon In The Sky With Diamonds

2006-09-25T23:50:00.000+08:00

Tried to download Ergo Proxy but somehow I can't seem to open the files to watch lah! I can listen though! haha! It's cause of the blardy format that they encoded the damn thing in. And we're not talking about simply just downloading the appropriate codecs here and there kinda thing. Man... Blardy irritating.

Sg Idol is finally over. This is the singing competition that supposedly works towards bringing the nation together through music but ends up inevitably dividing the nation. Like last year, the two finalists were male. Hady's Malay, just like Taufik. Jonathan's Chinese, just like Sly. Hady, like Taufik, is more or less really good with RnB and the likes whereas Jonathan, like Sly, is more or less only good with lock and loll. Like last year, the Malay dude won. And across the nation Malays were all screaming, "Melayu Boleh!" and "Hidup Melayu!" and the likes. Of course, if Hady had lost, someone's bound to scream racism and that the votes were rigged and stuff like that. Lots of conspiracy theories were abound that's for sure. Some said, this time round the Idol had to be Chinese cause Sly bombed in the Chinese market and all. Truth be told, I don't know what to say. I guess, I just let my fingers do the walking or more aptly, voting. In total, my family pumped in 100+ votes for Hady. Cikgu Isa asked today what was it that stood to be gained from voting and my answer was pretty obvious, "A huge phone bill." Haha! Though, it's my mother who's paying, so I'm more than happy to vote. I heard her best friend pumped in $200 worth of votes. I'm telling you ar... You might think it's pointless but it's actually 'amal' or in other words, for a good cause. Cause you're helping someone live his dream of being a Singapore Idol!

I think Sg Idol should just be scrapped. The producers should be slapped with the Sedition Act or something. Like serious. They should just get the National Soccer Team participate in the Malaysian League and the Cup and like do live coverages. That would definitely get everybody together! I somehow like the tagline Team Singapore: 4 million strong. It's really cool lah. Maybe the next time they wanna have Sg Idol, they should like make it a rule whereby all contestants have to be of mixed parentage. I'm not talking about the Father being Malay and the mother being Brown kinda thing ar.... I'm talking about really mixed lah. So yeah, that said, I guess the next Sg Idol ought to be like in the year 2025. Enough time for some cross breeding. Haha!

All I ever wanted was to mean everything to you.
But now I'm looking forward to the mornings when I can say goodbye.

Aku Binatang Jalang

2006-09-23T17:18:00.000+08:00

Kalau sampai waktuku,
Ku mahu tak seorang pun merayu.
Tidak juga kau.
Tak perlu sedu sedan itu.
Aku ini binatang jalang!
Dari kumpulannya terbuang!

I recently just discovered some interesting facts about myself. Like I've only been straight for the past 7 years. Haha! Spent some time yesterday to read the script for Kalbun and I realized that if I wasn't Malay or did not understand Malay at all, lots of the jokes would have gone right over my head. I think it's true that though being filled with insider jokes makes a script per se, "insightful" it does end up alienating lots of people. And it can be frustrating for certain parts of the paying audience. I remember lots of non-Malay or non-Malay speaking audiences who went out of the show looking perplexed. Admittedly though, Najib has always been about Malay Theatre being strictly Malay centric. And I appreciate it. Really I do. But then, yeah, I have different ideas to what makes Malay Theatre. Is Beckett considered English Theatre that's what I want to know cause though his pieces have been done in English, he did most of his works in French, finding it a less coarse language. Which I kinda agree? But for the lack of my proficiency in that particular language, I'll stick to.... English. haha! Malay itself is of course more refined than English, but... alas, time will not heal the wounds it caused. If one was to use refined Malay to write a script, it'd only be thoughtful of the production house to provide a list of definitions or a dictionary for the audience cause... yeah, the Malay vocabulary for a Malay is increasingly smaller. At least that's what I think.

I guess that's it for now.

The door is locked,
and I'm still here listening.

No Exit

2006-09-21T21:17:00.000+08:00

No school today. Spent time watching and reading some of Beckett's pieces. I like What Where. It's appealing to me somehow though to be honest, there was no clear idea of what the play was really about besides what the plot permits. However, I feel that just like the other Beckett pieces, this piece is really about personal interpretations. Nonetheless, I enjoyed watching it. I like the premise of "repeating" scenes or parts that Beckett used that I've observed in a few of his pieces, including Waiting For Godot, Play, Ohio Impromptu and What Where. I like the fact that his pieces are minimalist in nature but deep on impact. Hardcore stuff man! Writing this down, I realize that I can emphatise with Krapp in Krapp's Last Tape. Maybe years or even months later when I look back and read these entries.. I would probably read in disbelief of these words. Seasons change, as people do.

Oh yeah, for those of you who love Jellyfishes, in any form, shape or size, I've added a new link which will bring you to this site where you can click to save rainforests and chimpanzees! Yeah! So yeap, do your part for the environment aight? It's easy really, just a few clicks a day. Better than just you refreshing your blog every other minute just so you don't miss anybody tagging you kinda thing. You get what I mean. So yeap! =)

Hell is in others.

Same Mistake For A Second Chance

2006-09-20T23:53:00.000+08:00

Went to watch Se.Ra.M at Eka's Black Box @ TAPAC. It's basically a monthly reading of several scripts and then a discussion and analysis of the scripts in relation to the set theme. This month's theme is Pop Culture and the plays read were Ikan Cantik by Alin, Bilik by Effendy and Madu Dua by Alfian. Honestly, I thought that the readings did not do justice to the craft of the playwright, however, it is as it is and it is a good platform nonetheless to encourage discussion and the likes. Though, the cheapskate me would of course want them to be acted out, no matter how minimalist.

So, what did I learn from today? I learnt that Pop Culture in relation to the Malay Society requires humour. Without comic considerations, the piece would be less accepted. True, you might point out that Malay Theatre is not only about comedies, but even in like tragedies, there is a tendency for us to weave in humour, be it dark or otherwise. And i think, this impedes the development of the society on the whole! We're just too hung up on cheap laughs! Like a measure of a play's success is the laughability factor and all. I dunno. I'm just learning the ropes now myself.

Bah! No money to watch Fundamentally Happy. Disappointed per se. Oh well, shall read the reviews! At least I watched the Company Preview! Haha!

i know, ive not been honest with you
so many things i kept to myself
but i never wanted my feelings to be a secret from you,from you.
it i felt like i was a blur in the picture. at the same time i see the greying of my optimistic mind. faltering as i walk, faltering as i walk.
well, i blew my second chance
i made the same mistake twice
and i let you drift
i let you drift faraway from me.

tell me its over i cant take any further than this so
tell me its over unanswered questions you left me
thinking over and over again cuz i know where i stand in this
complication you put me through. tell me its over.

it's untimely to know,
you've found the one you search the world for so long
i was always lost in time to make a move
and make it right again.
so
tell me its over i cant take any further than this so
tell me its over unanswered questions you left me
thinking over and over again cuz i know where i stand in this
complication you put me through. tell me its over.
tell me its over.

Nine Of Hearts

2006-09-19T18:11:00.000+08:00

It started with a thought of you,
in the deep recesses of my mind.
Bloomed into a full flight fantasy,
like a melody without a rhyme.

Heart is racing
Senses failing
When every one knows me but you.

Heart is racing
Senses failing
When every one knows this but you.

So why...
Do we cross these paths unfulfilled?
Deny...
Ourselves this chance of paradise.

It careened into a blur of thoughts,
as the brain took hold of my feelings.
It's better that i love you from a distance,
in this diary, that no one ever reads.

Heart is racing
Senses failing
When you're in every single thing that i see.

Heart is racing
Senses failing
Cause you're everything that becomes of me.

So why...
Do we cross these paths unfulfilled?
Deny...
Ourselves this chance of paradise.

Ended with a whisper to the winds
Carried off into the open seas
(Carried off into the open seas)
As it withered from a full flight fantasy.

So why...
Do we cross these paths unfulfilled?
Deny...
Ourselves this chance of paradise.

Look me in the eye,
tell me that it's okay.
Just wanna spend the
rest of my life with you.

I like this song. The last verse was eventually omitted lest it's for acoustic performances as it kinda took out the hardcore elements of the song. Haha! But yeah! I like this song! Go ArPee! Listening to it makes me feel relaxed somehow. Reminds me of gigging and how life can be so much better... I remembered how we like spent a few long hours in Ihsan's bedroom trying to like squeeze the song out. Haha! Everybody was there lah. The four of us. And like I had to keep awake and think of the lyrics cause everybody was busy coming up with their own parts. Probably one of the few times we had a group jam at Ihsan's place and I didn't fall asleep. Music makes me feel at home. Go ArPee!

Snakes And Ladders

2006-09-18T22:18:00.000+08:00

Today was a funny day. I was asked by this teacher to like take a group picture for some Chinese delegates. And to my astonishment, one of them was excited about me being Malay. He was like asking the teacher whether I was a Malay. Haha! It made me feel happy somehow. I'm like some elusive organism to them lah. Hardcore!

Read about how most Americans identify Singapore with the whole Michael Fay fracas. Not surprised. Ihsan told me that when he was in the States to watch some of his favourite bands in action, he was lucky enough to have been able to meet Estrella but he was kinda perturbed cause the guys could only talk about how strict Singaporean society is. Haha!

It careened into a blur of thoughts
As the brain took hold of my feelings.
It's better that I love you from a distance,
In this diary, that no one ever reads.

Of Those Now Gone

2006-09-17T03:19:00.000+08:00

I think Cbox is down. But I managed to read Faz's tag. So that's something. Though I kinda forget what she tagged. That's normal. Haha! Ok why am I laughing about it? Doesn't matter. I feel so much happier today. I don't know why. I just do. Maybe cause the Playwright Mentorship Programme has officially begun. Yeah! Like I figured, we're supposed to be working towards a few production dates. 11/11 and 18/11 for Via @ Bedok Library and Esplanade Library respectively, and 17-19 May '07 for Mentah @ Substation. Hardcore!!

So now at least, I have something to look forward to. They are saying that there's no set theme or idea that I have to work on so that's something right? Hur hur hur! There was this debate on what exactly is Malay Theatre. Something like that. The others were like saying that Malay Theatre should be like used to highlight issues and raise awareness within the Malay community. And I think that's just fucked up. I don't know. I apologize for being blunt about it. But we've got Suria to do that for us. I think we are only retarding ourselves by limiting ourselves to communal issues. We need to understand that we're part of the World Community. Sure, we may be a subset of the Singaporean community but we're still part of the World Community. The issues that we're facing, are issues that I'm sure other people throughout the world are facing too. I think, we should aim at raising awareness and engaging the audience on global issues, be it philosophical or material. I think harping too much on the Malay community makes our community so bloody parochial. How the hell are we going to compete with other people when the standards we set ourselves are like so tak berwawasan at all?! Gah! So in the end, Effendy was like saying we should try to define for ourselve what exactly is Malay Theatre and whether it should be differentiated from Malay Language Theatre. My stand is simple, Malay Theatre, should not be limited to the Malay Language. By all means, use it where necessary, but we should start looking at how we can use the Malay Language to address global issues. Through understanding of the world around us, we should be able to understand more about ourselves. There's no such thing as an individual thought or monologue. Everything is contrived. Even monologues are essentially dialogues, that it is directed at an audience, that it is about relations between people. Same thing here.

Yeah I am all fired up somehow! I don't know why. I shall stay up for a while today to finish the assignment. Yeah! Hardcore!

Heart is racing,
Senses failing,
When You're everything,
that becomes of me

Umbilical Noose

2006-09-15T15:45:00.000+08:00

Nobody is allowed to be so proud, till they never reach out when they're giving up.

I think I would like a portrait of myself done when I die. A picture of me, for posterity sake. Just cause I'm dead doesn't mean I can't ham it up for the cam right? Maybe those who come to my funeral would be made to take a Polaroid snapshot with me? I don't know. But I do know that I would like a portrait of myself done when I die.

Is it time now?
I apologize for my optimism.
I get excited about having to hold my breath
and die a slow and lonely death.
Are we there yet?

While we're still on the subject of death, Singapore's war heroine, humanitarian and one time politician Elizabeth Choy has died at the age of 96 following her being diagnose of cancer. I read that even to the end, she kept that fighting spirit of hers by refusing treatment. Like the Japanese during WW2, cancer has failed to break her spirit and rob her of a dignified exit. Her efforts and contributions have and will always be appreciated. God bless her.

God knows, I've been trying to reach out.

Let's Start With Lies Before We Move On To Deceit

2006-09-14T20:21:00.000+08:00

Feeling helpless. Feeling down. Feeling angry. Feeling like an insignifi-cunt. Everybody is just looking for acceptance. Individual thoughts breeds discontent. Someone tell me what to think, say and do. Please!

With a noose tied around my neck,
I'm waiting for somebody to tell me it's time
and that it's okay to kick the bucket.
Say those words and I will kick.
Leaving behind no trace of the plans that we've made.
Just for tonight, please tell me that there's no difference
between right and wrong and say the line.
Say those words and I will kick.

Start Angry...

2006-09-12T16:56:00.000+08:00

Things I Should Do ASAP (After A's):

1) Backpacking. Eiher Darwin or Thailand & Vietnam
2) Get my timing tighter. The band depends on me! Focus! Focus!
3) Hone my craft. Both playwrighting and songwriting.
4) Stage one of the scripts.
5) Finish all the unfinished scripts.
6) Get back to the good ol' gigging days!

That's about it for now. I'm sure there's more. But I'll think about it when the time comes.

End Mad

Do You Think I'm Pretty?

2006-09-12T10:41:00.000+08:00

My brother just started his National Service. Mine ought to be soon enough. I hope not too soon so that I can go for that backpacking trip. Prelims just started. Well, I'm looking forward to A Levels actually. Oh well. I've to go back to studying later. Tomorrow there's Maths and History. I intend to wax lyrical during maths and like focus on History. Looking forward to Saturday. Or am I? Hmm... Effendy said something that really struck me as cool... "Practice not for perfection. Practice so that you'll know more." And I'm like.... whoa....

I think you know me well.

Fundamentally Happy

2006-09-09T17:51:00.000+08:00

Gonna be watching a play at the Esplande tonight with my hot date....Ihsan. Haha! Hardcore! Told Effendy to have a good show cause I'm like going to watch it and like yeah, the selfish me would like to be entertained! I missed his performance the last time round for National Language Class/Utama: Every Name in History Is I so I guess this will be the first time I'll be watching him practice his craft. Supposed to have the playwright mentorship programme today but they moved it to next week. Just realized that the objective of the programme is to work towards a production of sorts. I'm so dead. Realized taht Gloria is going to be on TV! haha! Some show called Spirit of Service or something like that. Realized that I should start saving if I wanna watch Alin's next performance. They say the final piece might be vastly different than the Company Preview's which I already saw. Hmm...

On other fronts. Fucking bored. Just reading through the notes. Oh well..

Why Can't We Be Friends?

2006-09-09T03:28:00.000+08:00

It is bloody exasperating to say the least that I have to go through this whole fucking thing again. The term ‘sordid good intentions’ is a paradox. Sordid is defined as demonstrating the worst aspects of human nature, which of course would be the anti-thesis of good intentions. Therefore it is a bloody paradox. And it is as literal as that. Besides, I'm in the opinion that it is uncouth to take language only literally. That would be akin to giving the likes of Shakespeare, Marlowe, Beckett, Huxley, Tolkien, Lewis, Chaucer a bite at your thumb or the finger. Language, is so beautiful, don't make a science out of it.

And, I did not call you a wolf. I said, ‘out came the wolves’. I meant it figuratively! I did not call you a wolf. Even if you looked at it literally, I did not call you a wolf. Do not assume and then pin the blame on me. If you want to go big on assumptions, stick to religion. There’s a whole bunch of assumptions you can live by.

Humans live life fearing death, not quite understanding that they live life only to die. The same way that birth is a definite point in time whereby you were brought into this banality called life, the same way Death is a definite point in time whereby you will be taken away from this blight and into another reality. In what form this new reality takes after is dependent on your beliefs. Point is, as we speak, as we breathe, we are all dying. We are all moving towards that defined point in time, ergo, dying. To use an analogy, at the point of birth (or conception for that matter), Life is a full glass of water. As we live Life, water is drained (or drunk, whichever you’re able to imagine.) from the glass. This will go on, until it is time for us to make that leap into the new reality. Living is in no way different than dying. We live, only to die.

One more thing, if you're so keen on defining words such as emo, why don't you spend some time defining the word "Happy"? Lots of people seem to have no clear understanding nor grasp of the concept, "Happy". I don't too to be honest. So yeah, why not do just that. Then maybe, all the crap in this world can like stop. Don't have to impress me with your knowledge. Why don't you use that for the betterment of this world. Everybody's holding out for a hero/heroine and it could just be you. (it might be hard beating two planks of wood nailed together at right angles but have faith!)

Go ahead, call me an asshole. I'm used to it. After all, they don't call me an asshole for nothing. I get shit like this day in and day out.

Oh yeah, I'm all apologies too if I pissed you off or am going to piss you off after you've read this post of mine. Sure, we can have a debate. I don't mind. But who's the judge and the jury? Yourself? I hate having to do this kinda shit. But I'm game nonetheless. I'm a jock, what can I say?

Why can't we all just get along?

Plastic Skies

2006-09-08T16:31:00.000+08:00

And all I did was to express myself in words that I knew. And then out came the wolves. Of course she isn't suicidal! I'm waiting to kick the bucket, that doesn't mean I'm suicidal! I'm just sad. I'm emotional. I'm depressed. I'm cynical. I'm full of rage. I hate. Am I suicidal? No! Do I entertain suicidal thoughts, no! I just merely think of death as a pleasant and welcome respite but I do not do anything and everything just so I can get this life over and done with.

Angry days like these ought to be banned.

You Make Me Complete-ly Miserable.

2006-09-07T15:05:00.000+08:00

With a noose around my neck,
I'll just hang around.

I just thought I should post a proper post. I haven't been studying. Bah.. yeah what's new right? I don't know. I'm not motivated. Maybe later. Maybe later. I'm just waiting for my turn to kick the bucket. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Waiting, for something that will never happen.

We are all just characters within a story looking for an exit.

Forgetting The Things We Swore We Meant

2006-09-07T12:09:00.000+08:00

Exhale,
that I may breathe you in.
And keep you here within.
Through with waiting in this lifetime,
I promise I won't wait for you.

I'm just a line in your diary, a distant thought in your memory.

We can't slow down,
time will tear us apart.

Escape Artists Never Die

2006-09-06T14:56:00.000+08:00

Everybody loves to love you when you're far away.

Turns out that you need a minimum 12 years of education before applying for an American Green card (No, it's not the American Express card.). So yeap... shall wait till I'm eligible then. One step at a time.

Blame yourself because you are who you are.
Hate others cause you know you'll never get that far.

Kiss Me, I'm Contagious

2006-09-05T21:45:00.000+08:00

There's more to me than just naked pictures strewn across your bedroom floor...
All I ever wanted was to be a clown!

Another day lost and I am still feeling pretty fucked up. Finally figured out what to call my next piece. Send In The Clowns. It's a referral to old theatre, circus and rodeo acts when like things get fucked up and like they needed something to distract the audiences with so they sent in the clowns. Yeap.. I guess that's it from me for today.

You're like the welcome arrow to the heart,
the saccharine laced electric shocks,
and the toothbrush of my dreams.

Technicolor Lover Got Me In A Fix

2006-09-05T13:22:00.000+08:00

I need a new revolution,
the one I have now is a lie.

Scene 1: There's No Such Thing As Asking A Stupid Question

Ari: How many girls wanna kick my ass?
Female oriented Crowd: I do! I do! I do!

Scene 2: Ouch Seems To Sound So Different With Heels Up Your Ass...

I'm supposed to go watch soccer tomorrow with Qamarul, Farid & bro and Nasrul tomorrow (Singapore VS PRChina) and like study with them today at the National Library but I decided not to. Cause I haven't been studying much and I'm afraid I'll only distract them. This Thursday ArPee is gonna have a session! Yessa! Ihsan says he's waiting for Azi to double confirm. Hardcore! I'm all psyched!

The mentorship programme has been delayed till next week. Bah.. might as well! My ticket reservations at the Esplanade finally confirmed! I like posting lots of entries throughout the day. I don't know... It keeps me distracted.

On other fronts, Miss Mardi finally came through with her review of The Trials and Tribulations of Someone Who Asked For It and the reworked [After] Ever After. Her comments have been encouraging to say the least. I wish I could get more feedback though! Gah! Nobody seems to be free enough to give me their reviews. Oh well! I should be studying now. Maybe right after prelims I can devote a day to like crash writing some scripts. Still got ideas in my head that needs some exorcism. Realized that I haven't been giving Nine of Hearts much thought. Maybe I should rework it. Hmm...

So have you done your clicking for today? (Refer to my previous post for some idea of what I'm getting at.)

Put your hands in mine
and we'll walk out of here for the last time

This Photograph Is Proof That You Slept With The Neighbours' Dog

2006-09-05T02:47:00.000+08:00

Little known fact that is soon to be known by those who read this blog... I love to dance with myself.

Yessa! I got some studying done just now. So that's something eh? Reached home close to 12. I guess my mom is like used to it already? She just asked me where I went that's all. She just spent the whole day at the hospital cause my bro got one of his rabbit teeth (I'm not sure what they are really called.) broken so like now they're going thru the motions of having it replaced like killing the nerves and stuff like that. I'm glad such a thing has never happened to me. I chipped my rabbit tooth before but that's that.

Been considering joining the United Nations as a career. Last time I checked, one had to be proficient in at least 3 of the official languages, which is English, French, Spanish, Russian, Arab and Chinese. Maybe I can find work within the social development section. I don't know. Maybe I could work towards being a teacher and should the time come, at least I can offer my services as an education personnel. You can't just believe in something and not do anything about it. The same way if you believe in God, you pray to God, it is the same with this. I believe in the United Nations and the principles it is based on, ergo I will do something about it.

Can someone please tell me what is "fashion-core"? Just been told that it's some new movement/concept/subculture of sorts. But it just doesn't make sense to me. "Happycore" and "Slackcore" does somehow... but "fashioncore"? What's that?! Can't this people do anything that is more worthy of their time besides masquerading their stupidity or bloated egos around? Bah... what do I know... I'm just a jock. An evolved one at that too! Haha!

Anyways people, if you're reading this blog of mine, it just means that you've got lots of time on your hands and that you don't mind both wasting time and killing some brain cells reading this blog of mine. (I didn't dare to put that "you've got lots of brain cells" cause it does not seem to apply to everyone.) I would like to thank you guys and girls for doing so anyways, your efforts have not gone unappreciated. But since you've got lots of time on your hands, why not do something good with it too? On my links list, Reinvented Exits, I've listed some links which you can visit and with a few clicks you can actually donate to worthy causes like saving the Earth and to help poor people to be self-sufficient and stuff like that. Please people, it just takes less than a minute of your time.

I'm thinking of becoming a vegetarian... Like for real. I think I can live with eating mock meat and stuff like that. It is all good to me. But then I'm thinking, if I become vegetarian, aren't I actually choosing instead to starve these animals to death by eating up their food? I guess, I'm better off clicking away and making donations. I'll let the pros handle such questions of ethics.

And I'll write you letters everyday
With the hope that each one will find you well.

Stab Your Friends Like You Mean It

2006-09-04T20:44:00.000+08:00

Just got news that Steve "The Croc Hunter" Irwin just died in a freak accident of sorts, he got killed when a stingray barb punctured his chest during the filming and underwater documentary off the coast of the state of Queensland. Though some people out there might say that he asked for it (Que: The Trials and Tribulations of Someone Who Asked For It.), I think we should stop being jealous of a man who did something which we all didn't dare to do for the sake of his love for the environment. His cause was noble. He wanted to educate the public about the animals that we share this Earth with. Sure he got fame and glory along the way.. but hey, he deserved it! 4th September 2006 will always be remembered as the day Mother Nature lost one of its heroes. =( I'm sure all the Planeteers out there mourn his passing. Hai...

OK then I'm off. Back to studying. Bah! Tukya is a 73 year old man. There is only one "near-sex" scene in the book as compared to my utopian writing books. Bah!

"I am a monkey." said the monkey before the hunter pulled the trigger. Foxy foxy.

I Am The Stranger

2006-09-04T14:57:00.000+08:00

Going out to study. Maybe that would help. Yesterday I didn't study much. I watched The Longest Yard for the eighth time. What can I say? I just love the movie! haha! It ain't easy being cheesy!!

Thought about the future. I guess going to University of Notre Dame would be like a dream come true. Always wanted to go there and be part of the Fighting Irish tradition. I'll be miles away from home, but then again I've always felt a need to set up home far far away from this sunny island. I appreciate Singapore. Really! I think it's the best damned place to grow up in. I've no complaints about this place. But I just wanna get out there and explore! Yeah! But yeah, if ArPee really does work out after my A's then I'd have to reconsider. Haha!

Maybe, after all, I'm going to end up still in Singapore. haha! But it's ok too. I've thought about it. Maybe after A levels, I'll reply about the offer to play rugby for the Bucks. It's a really nice offer really. I guess I like team sports cause you can really belong to the pack! yeah! Oh well.. Always thought of playing American Football though. I can be a running back! Yeah!

Ok i better be off. I really really really need to study and not fool around.

Someday you will find me,
Trapped beneath the starry skies
And in between your sordid lies.
Someday you will find me in your eyes.

Rock And Fuck Everything!

2006-09-04T00:37:00.000+08:00

After this post, I'm gonna make myself some MILO and study! Hip hip hooray!

Something just hit me. Am I a jock? Cause without any disrespect to the jocks out there, I think, I do alot more thinking than jocks do. Haha! Then again, they do think alot.. about how to win games, how to win the girls, about their hair, about their ball control.. the likes... Besides, I've always felt that jocks had to be good looking too. Cause they are oh-so-appealing to girls. I don't know. On the other hand, there's no way in hell am I an intellect. I hardly know anything important besides the fact that pigs got a corkscrew looking thing for a penis. Yeah! That's about the only important thing that I know.

I look forward to the whole playwright mentorship programme thing. I hope to meet new people and be able to be exposed to new ideas and stuff like that. Like i mentioned earlier, it's getting harder to get anyone to like review the scripts that I've written. Everybody's kinda busy. With poems and songs it was kinda easy, all I had to do was like play em or read em or stuff like that. But a script is hard! Gah!

I'm looking forward to start working and like NS. I wanna buy more Macs! Cause now that Macs are like dual-platform... haha! Microsoft can't fuck us anymore! And now that Google and Apple might just get into developing some software together, haha! Time's up Bill! I mean, MSN for Mac is like so outdated! I think we're still at MSN 5? I mean... what the?! Kill Bill! Though I'm pretty much pro Mac, I am pro-Creative! I want Creative to succeed! I think the reason why they are losing out is cause of their marketing strategy. I mean Paris Hilton is not a marketing strategy!! She's a kamikaze strategy man! But yeah, go Uncle Sim!

I apologize if i do not care.
My hands are busy swimming,
I guess I don't like swallowing.
Zoe Tay does though.

Define The Great Line

2006-09-03T20:17:00.000+08:00

The writing's on the wall.

I met Ihsan and Eve. Three of us just worked on some new and old material. Did some discussion and then yeap. Everything's set. 2 more months till the end of this self imposed hiatus. After that we must...we must... we MUST be going at full steam ahead!

Thus far, Azfar has agreed to stand in for drums, and Ihsan said that Azfar does ask about the next time we're jamming so that's good. It's always good to have all parties actually interested about getting together to make music. Hardcore! I think though we are working at wroughting our own brand of music: Happy-core, most of our songs are actually pretty sad! haha! But it doesn't matter. More important is that at shows, people listen and everybody has fun and everybody's feeling happy! That's what happy-core is all about! Yeah!! I'm excited. Motivated!

Anyways, I've included a tag board for this blog. Not that anyone really visits this blog. But I just thought that it'd be easier for people to tag rather than leave me eulogies and stuff like that. Yeap! So if anybody's reading this, please do leave a tag, along with your blogsite, so that i can visit you and like link you and all! thanks!

I never thought we'd make it out alive.

Caught Beneath A Landslide

2006-09-03T12:33:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to be meeting Ihsan and Eve right now. But yeah, before I bathe I just thought I'd write somethings down. I've been studying. Yeap... but I get distracted by things so easily lah!

So far, I've finished writing The Trials and Tribulations of Someone Who Asked For It. It's blardy hard to get any reviews for it though. I guess everybody is busy right now. Bah! I'm trying to finish My Life In Monochrome but I kinda got stuck. Cause it's essentially a story within a story, so it's like I have to think of 2 storylines instead of just one. So that's tough. Family Values is also giving me some problems. Bah! Moreover, as I'm thinking for these, I've got new ideas streaming in! And it gets complicated... I hope the mentorship programme will sort things out for me. Yeap... Ok I betta get going and bathe...

Yessa! Finally get to do something besides studying!

Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?

The Future Freaks Me Out

2006-09-03T01:34:00.000+08:00

Figured that most people are still living in the past. For one reason or another people don't want to let go. Life goes on. Life doesn't stay around for that post-coital chat or smoke once it's done fucking you. Life will go on even if you're still down on the ground. I guess no matter how we fight it, all of us are still living in the past. It is the past which shapes the present, and by extension the future. We are all the same, with aberrant hearts that make us so.

I'm glad I've decided to take the step ahead. To stop dwelling on the past and to focus on the present. I don't know, it makes this life less frightening to live. Of course, this does not equate into denying the past! It just means, I embrace it! Of course there are missed opportunities and regrets that I can never forget. But there isn't anything that I can do to change the fact that it has happened! What I can do is to work hard on now and make amends.

In secondary school, I thought about it and decided that there's no such thing as the future nor the past. What we have now is now. The past is just a distant memory. For all we know those things that transpired never did happen. We're programmed to believe that it did every morning when we wake up that's all. The past is just a distant memory of what we thought happened. The future is only a bunch of dreams and aspirations that we have. Maybe things will work out the way we envisioned it to be. Maybe it won't. In short, both the past and the future is just fluff. We are living in NOW. NOW is where we reign supreme.

Who controls the past, controls the future.
Who controls the present, controls the past.

The Dreamer's Disease

2006-09-02T01:55:00.000+08:00

Fly high
What's real can't die
You only get what you give
Just dont be afraid to leave

I've given it some thought. I think the problem has always been that I've been afraid. Too afraid of getting hurt again. But if I were to really believe in the mantra "You Only Get What You Give", I have to start thinking positive. Start thinking positive and start challenging myself to go out there and really really give this world and life my best shot. I will not be able to get anything out of this life if I'm not willing to take that leap of faith myself. There is no stigma attached to the Dreamer's Disease. It is not an affliction. It is not a curse. It is a disease because it's contagious. If you have dreams, and you work at it, you will achieve it. And by achieving such dreams you pave way for others to also strike out and acheive theirs. I'm all set. I want to go out there and meet many other people!

This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok follow your heart

Bukit Panjang Govt High School Rugby Team Rules!

2006-09-01T21:24:00.000+08:00

I've decided to take over this blog for real. Nobody reads this so it's ok. I went to visit BP last teacher's day. 3 years+ since my last visit. I actually didn't want to go back. Not until Faz told me that the school building was going to be demolished. Then something within told me to go. Next year, I am going to serve NS. And I may never get to come back for 'closure'. It's been 3 years and I should stop sending impersonal regards to teachers who have been there for me thru the 4 years in that school. Teachers who to me, went beyond their call of duty and became my solace, my sanctuary. For the past 3 years+ that i haven't been back to the school, I must admit that I've taken a turn for the worse and become a totally negative person. So it was decided, I would go back with Halim and Faz.

When we reached the school, I actually didn't want to enter. And when I did... I began to feel better. It's like coming back home to a place where you had the best and worst time of your life after staying away for so fucking long. I look at the classroom block and I remembered that this was where I used to run, scream, jump, cheer, jeer, leap off from... I didn't meet old friends.

But I did meet old mentors. When I saw Mr Kuek, I felt a certain kind of happiness swell within me and it made me want to cry. I was totally affected by it. I wanted to hug him! We talked and we caught up. he's still organizing trips. And I told him, to update me the next time he does so that I can go with him. Relive those moments. While I was still in that school, he was like a father figure to me. Turns out he still keeps track of my performances in Track. He asked me why i wasn't in the team that's been going for the Junior championships. And I told him the part where I broke my collarbone and all, and he just smiled. he understood. He always just understood.

Looking for Mdm Yati was the hardest. I went all round the school searching for her.. asking for her. It was just like how I felt at that time, i was lost. in a swirl of celebrating bodies( it is a BP-ian tradition to celebrate Teacher's Day with a feast ala Hogwarts, everything from Ben & Jerry's to satay could be found.) I was there for an hour without any success of finding her. And then I just did. And I just cried! I just cried! I wanted to hug her! It was such a great relief. A cathartic moment. She smiled, she knew I have been looking for her for like everlong. And she's been waiting for me to come back. cause she knew, one way or another, i would have to come back for closure. And come back i did. The Return of the Son. She told me to dry my tears and then we could talk. And talked we did. We only finished talking at about 3+. And we started at like 1130? It was so long... Everything just came pouring out. We recounted everything. we talked about our past and present issues. We talked about the changes in my life. She told me she was disappointed that I still haven't become the person that I should be. She told me that I should stop being so negative and thinking about what I could, should or might have but rather of what I now have and making the best out of it. She helped me make sense of the mess that i called life. It was yesterday once more. Now i see life with more optimism and faith in the divine plan.

Thank you Mr Kuek and Mdm 'Jambu' Yati. Both of you are the best teachers that i've ever have the luck of getting to know. i look forward to the future with hopes of spending some more time with the both of you, catching up. I love you the both of you. Thank you for being a teacher, a mentor, a confidant, everything that I could ever asked for and wanted. Thank you.

If only I had just one wish, I'd wish for a million trillion lifetimes that I could spend with you, fall in love with you, again and again.

Champagne Supernova

2006-08-29T23:33:00.000+08:00

This world is fucking empty. There's no meaning to this fucking life and nobody cares. Nobody fucking cares. Everybody is rushing about with their rat races trying hard not to acknowledge the fact that it's all fucking pointless. Why the fuck did I anyways?

Ignorance is bliss.

I need someone to talk to. There is nobody to talk to. Everybody have their own set of problems and you have to deal with yours yourself. I just want to be superficial. To fold and divide according to the whims and fancy of the collective mind. I want to be part of the collective. I don't want to be the individual. I don't want to be fucking unique. I just want to belong. I don't want to know anything at all. I want to be told what to do. I want to be told to be happy. To smile. I want to be at home. Emptiness. I feel empty, yet so full of emotions and thoughts and...

I don't want to die anymore.

Last Call Before The Curtain Falls

2006-07-31T18:08:00.000+08:00

The festival is over actually. The performance already performed. The dust beginning to settle. It was a fun learning experience for all of us! There were ups and there were downs. But we hung on and never gave up and I guess, here we are now. We have no awards to speak of, just battle scars. And like Spartans we shall wear these battle scars as proud as anything. For me, this experience has been even more bittersweet as this is what I consider as my swan song. I guess, I'm gonna stick to the Stop At Two policy. Maybe someday when I can afford to, I'll probably have three or more. But right now, I can honestly say that this is the end of the road for Jon. I, however, look forward to watching members of my production go on to do greater things!

I guess, I'm just satisfied living happily ever after. I've grown tired of exorcising demons within that no one ever sees. Goodnight people.

"Time won't heal the wounds I have."

Good Golly Miss Molly

2006-07-23T14:16:00.000+08:00

With enough rage to screw the machine, we're going full steam ahead into reckless abandon mode! Viva la cucaracha!

The One In Which The Director Dies

2006-07-20T22:04:00.000+08:00

Ah... I actually have got like time to like blog. Yeay to that! This week has been nothing but busy busy busy! Well, the preview went just as planned. And so now, we've got like heaps of feedback and from this heaps of feedback, we hope to like hone ourselves for the big showdown in little chinatown!

The week has been spent rehearsing and going thru the motions of reflection. But the mood has been pretty sombre of sorts as everybody is feeling tired and is currently mourning the death of the school cat which tragically got stuck in an aircon radiator.

Tomorrow is Racial Harmony Day and our school has decided to let us celebrate our differences by letting us come in our pyjamas if we want to. Now, how cool is that?

Putting The Fun Back In Funeral

2006-07-14T14:17:00.000+08:00

Love, this won't hurt a bit.
She said, as she stabbed.
She stabbed me in the dark.

Armed with contradictions and insecurities, tomorrow will be some what a day of reckoning for the production. Kamikaze seems to be the key word in everybody's minds. I can almost feel my heart put under arrest.

Masturbate your thoughts of all evil,
Between angels and insects, herein lies the devil.
Let's try not to cover our eyes,
As we run ourselves empty and top up on lies.

Heavier Than Heaven

2006-07-11T03:00:00.000+08:00

Hello "Online Journal that is supposedly supposed to be private but the only reason it has entries in it is because people are supposed to like read all the stuff that goes inside my head, or anybody else's head for that matter". Boy, you do have a long name eh Online Journal?

Company preview is this Saturday. I am actually more interested in watching the other productions. Like NUS'! Or NAFA's! or NJC's! Ok... i think i have a fetish for N's... is there any other N's that i left out? yes? no?

I remembered that during the workshops, NAFA showed us a glimpse of their play and it's really sado-masochistic(whippings and all) and how Effendy asked them how they were gonna get that effect and they said that they'd probably make the actors go thru their very own soon to be tried and tested S&M crash course (which included accomodations in a cupboard) and how Effendy says that they should really reconsider that due to the huge psychological impact it might have on the actors. Well, to be honest, i think forget having them go thru all that torture. They can just sit in during one of our rehearsals and feel the masochist in them scream for more.

I feel inspired to write some new stuff. Unfortunately, I feel lazy too at the same time. What's worse, for at least one of them, it would probably need like really massive research. Research which eventually might come up with nothing. So... I've specifically earmarked these ideas for like later use. Like maybe when i'm 50. When i have enough money to throw around like Eric Khoo does.

So latest news report states that Old McDonald does have a farm, but the number of livestock here, there, everywhere is yet to be ascertained.

In other news, I'm looking forward to Najib's next production.

Ok, i'm digressing.

To be honest, there's supposed to be a spin-off from this production of Monochromania. It's supposed to be called My Life In Monochrome. And they wonder why i'm so engrossed with the idea of monochrome? I think it's really cool when ideas, cultures and so on and so forth cause i'm running out of nouns or pronouns or verbs or whatever lah, which are usually worlds apart, are merely shades apart when seen through monochrome. Cooler still is that there's a whole lot more of grey matter to be explored you know? like... to me colour is when people try to put in their own definitions to stuff. ok my mind is really cloudy right now.

I'm all psyched up for the company preview.... as soon as i watch Pirates of the Caribbean!

How Much Is That Doggy In The Window?

2006-07-06T20:06:00.000+08:00

The Trials and Tribulations of Someone Who Asked For It

As Written by

Johnny Jon Jon

It's tough. It's not easy. Especially so when you've got a top notch arse tickling faggot on board to direct the production.

Rehearsals have been quite a pain for everybody. But it's good to see that everybody is still trying hard to give their all. Experience might be lacking, but they (everybody involved except for the Director) sure have got lots of tenacity and patience putting up with me.

Our mentor has been a saint. She's been both constructively critical of the production while at the same time encouraging us to have fun and stuff like that.

I am a monkey.

So that's about it. I just thought I should write some stuff so as to look as if I'm doing something.

"Kau jaga tepi kain kau, aku jaga tepi kain aku. Pergi mampus sudah."

2006-07-06T17:50:00.000+08:00

hello ppl..
since i'm tinking of updating my blog, so might as well i update things on PPP.. we've been having rehearsals abt 2-3 times a week in sch n at tapac.. but since there's no more slots for rehearsals at tapac, we have to make do with the classrooms in sch till the company preview.. co. preview is on e 15th July which is on a sat(damn!!) and which is also nxt week(double damn!!) :P
everybody is stressed up especially the director, jon, cuz things dun always go the way he wans it to be..

The Play:
a lot of things needs to be done.. i dun tink we are ready, yet, for a full performance with audiences around.. but, i believe if everybody put in effort and give their full energy and vibe into it, we can make ppl give us a standing ovation(is this how it's spelt??) and be convinced and also agree on the message and our reflection of the s'porean society.. i personally loved the script cuz in my opinion, it is wat really happens in our society.. anyway, yah.. a lot of things haf to be done.. the actors really need to put in a lot of effort in improving their acting.. they haf to focus and do their hw.. hey, this is a play tat will be watched by the public so, why not juz give ur best shot and put on a good show?? push everything aside, believe in urself, haf the confidence and come out of ur comfotrt zone, if u haf to.. try new ways of improving ur acting.. no matter wat it takes, juz try ur best.. and it'll be paid off and it'll be all worth it at e end of the day.. so, yah.. i tink tats all for now.. jon will update on the rest i guess..

Blog:
we are changing the blogskin soon.. i noe its a bit plain but, i'm working on it, well, actually my fren Fad, is working real hard on it.. and, its gonna be good!! so, tats it then.. later..

2006-06-25T16:54:00.000+08:00

I just had the opportunity to down caviar with Heaven and Earth Oriental Lime with added Hawthorn. By logical extension, I have also just had the opportunity to feel sick to the core right now and want to vomit.

Realised that as a director, it is within my job scope to actually ask the cast to rehearse in their underwear. Just read that Beatrice Chia actually did that. But then again, it was reported by Lifestyle. God knows if i should take their word for it. But then again, one is underestimating Beatrice if you think she won't do that. For all we know, in actualy truth she actually asked them to strip down to their undies and like then wear their pants or skirts as fanciful headgear... It is possible you know?

Rehearsals have been daunting i must say. And as we were all going through the motions of torturing ourselves with having to go thru the rehearsals, i kept thinking to myself...

1) Is it true that a man with a big nose would mean that that man is very much well endowed?
2) How about a man who can dance really well and has the hottest moves on the dance floor?
3) Is it true that the same can be said about a man with big feet?
4) How about big ears?
5) Big hands?
6) Big eyes?

Well then, suddenly i got it all figured out. Cause the man that has all these qualities can forget about being well endowed cause he sure will look goofy. I mean, heck, if it's any true, then we can safely say that Mickey Mouse is the most well endowed male ever to grace God's green planet.

Figured out that we have a one in two chance of snagging the blog award. Figured out that i'm usually delusional most of the times. Figured out that I miss eating Rotiboy. Figured out that Starhub has an evil conspiracy going on with its i-mode phones cause i can only set mp3 files as ringtones only if I'm outside of Singapore.

Ok so that's about it. I think Steph Song is hot and I should rob a 7-11 store for its FHM decal that has Steph Song. Maybe i could write nicely to FHM. I honestly feel that Adrian Pang is without doubt the best actor that Singapore has ever been graced with. Ok, i'm beginning to doubt what i just said. Well, he's better than Gurmit hands down. Hands up. Pants down. Schlong up. Whatever goes for you. And for me.

Sama-sama,
maju ke hadapan,
Pandai cari,
Perempuan.

2006-06-11T00:39:00.000+08:00

Finally the cast and crew got to get their grubby paws on the set! And if anything, we've got pictures to show! Peektures full of pweety boys and handsum girls...

2006-06-10T02:25:00.000+08:00

This is definitely not some PR blog and like I dunno. Just thought i should just drop by and just update this thing with what has gone on so far. So, so far rehearsals have been quite a pain. It's almost gone to the point of pointless and retarded. But it's been fun. At least some thing is getting done. So like, most of the time the rehearsals is just about reading the script cause the set is really crucial to the play and it's like an actor that never seems to come for rehearsal. It's not easy.

The playwright is a bugger. I've no idea what he's getting at. So that's something. Hopefully later on today when we have the set, we can actually figure out blocking and all. Cause it's really hard to make this thing happen without it.

Soundtracking is such a pain. Resourcing is such a bitch. So anyways just realised that i might want to have some vids. So that's a bummer. Trying to convince myself that it's such a hassle to do so and that it's probably something that i'm just being wistful about.

I'm getting really worried that this drama called Monochromania will become a Manic Monotonous Drama that will take a blardy long time to get over with. The playwright tells me that initially he would have envisioned this play to be really made up of monologues. Well i think the playwright is kidding and should be shot for thinking of such a thing.

In a bid to learn a thing or two about proper directing, i dug up my old tomes and found that the closest book that i have on the subject of directing is really this huge book about European Cinematography. Bah! I should probably take some time to like visit the local library. I know the internet has been such a bane. Oh well... Let's hope today's rehearsal will be fantastic! I'm so excited and nervous at the same time.

Finally...

2006-06-02T16:14:00.000+08:00

Finally, everything is done. Translations and the confirm list of people who are going to make this project a BIG success. And I must say that I am quite satisfied with these people. Thanks guys for willingly give up some of your time and dedicate it to PPP. Proper rehearsals starting soon next week, hopefully Wednesday. This week, everyone are busy going for the Phase II Workshops. Well, I just hope they learn something useful and incorporate it into PPP.

Looking forward to working with you people and may we make it a SUCCESS!!! =)

Hazirah

2006-05-24T23:42:00.000+08:00

Tantric! With only a few more weeks to go before the big night, the atmosphere is almost tantric! Tantric I say!

Political Correctness

2006-05-01T19:40:00.000+08:00

We are done with the script. At least i hope so it's done. Cause i've got a feeling that it's not true what i just said about being done with the script cause actually we're going thru editing and the dreaded check for political correctness which i think it's just some word that we use to justify the lies that we have to put up with in this world. But it's ok. Let's start with the basics of lying before we move on to deceit. Just because facts have been chosen and told to be ignored, does not mean that it ceases to exist. So hopefully we can start rehearsals really soon and everything will fall in place.

Jon.

Auditions

2006-04-05T22:28:00.000+08:00

Today, we held out first round of auditions! Though actually, I don't foresee another round coming up soon. But it's all about being optimistic here and looking ahead! So far so good, it's good to know that our school has people who are able to act in a non-Suria kinda way.

After that, the executive committee had a brief talk where we issued orders to each other and set deadlines for one another. Everything's going as planned so far as planning is not concerned.

I should be introducing this blog and its purpose properly, but I will leave it as it is for now. Till our web designer gets his hands on it then. Walk within beauty, dream within grace.

Jon.